“I’m beginning to
believe that you won’t leave me here, God.
Just help me to trust all the words you say. And I’m learning to surrender, I’m learning
to forgive. I’m learning to receive all
the love, all the love you have for me.” –lyrics from Isa Couvertier
Tomorrow, it will be two weeks since we learned that our
little baby no longer had a heartbeat.
The days that followed have been hard, physically, emotionally, and psychologically.
I honestly do not know how to answer everyone
who is asking me how I am doing. I’m pale and tear stained.
I feel empty and heartbroken.
My throat has a constant lump in it.
I’m grieving.
And that might confuse those who have never lost in this way, because I
never actually thought through this process before walking through it, but I
will tell you that this loss is real and painful.
I’m walking around in a fog, knowing full
well that what I see is not all that exists.
That there is heaven, and whatever it is that separates this earth from
that glorious place is the threshold to meeting my precious little one.
I often find myself “checked out” of what is
going on in front of me because of what is going on inside of me.
By sheer mechanical habit, my kids are getting dressed and
fed and schooled. Through the kindness
of friends, we haven’t been forced to solely rely on cereal as our only means
of nutrition. My husband has been
amazing. He’s so quiet, but I know just
how much more of a load he’s carrying because I know what I’m not doing, and how much is still getting
done. But still, he’s grieving too. And as I’ve watched him moving about the days
in strength, I’ve watched his eyes fill with tears at night. I’ve never been more thankful for his arms
around me.
But in the midst of all the tears and the difficulty just
making it through the day, there’s a beautiful, mysterious peace that I’ve
found. It doesn’t take away the
sorrow. It doesn’t take away the
process, but it’s made me reexamine who God is.
And let me tell you, He is amazing.
“My lover is radiant and ruddy, outstanding
among ten thousand…His mouth is sweetness itself; he is altogether lovely. This is my lover, this is my friend…” (SOS 5:
10, 16)
I’ve had so many friends tell me it was o.k. to be angry
with God. To those friends, I say thank
you for loving me and letting me grieve, but I came to a point very early in
this process when I knew I was angry, but it seemed like a waste of energy to aim
that anger at God. If it was God who
caused this, then everything that I know of Him, all that I believe, would be
null and void. It would lead to a crisis
of faith. But I know His word is true,
so I knew that the target of my anger could be explained in a better way.
John 10:10 says “The thief comes only to steal and kill and
destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” I have an enemy who is very real. I forget this when I get wrapped up in
life. I blame him when something goes
wrong with our finances, or our hard days with the kids….and that’s not
displaced blame. But I forget that he is
much more harsh, more cunning, more destructive than I tend to remember. And just because I have a relationship with
the Lord does not immunize me from his hatred.
I would argue that it makes that hatred all the more real. And that is what happened. I had to see and experience death last
week. It was gruesome and cruel. It was heartbreaking and horrifying. And it was nothing new. This has been happening since the serpent
came to Eve in the garden and whispered “Did God really say…?” And that same whisper invaded my ears last
week. “Oh, God is good? Really?
Then why is this happening? Did
God really say…?”
Yes, yes, God did say that He came that we may live and live
full, abundant lives. Yes, God said that
Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life.
Yes, God said that He will go before us and hem us in behind and
before. He said that He is a refuge to
us and that He is near to the brokenhearted.
He said that He would work all things
according to His purpose for the good of those who love Him. He said he would never leave us or forsake us.
And He hasn’t left me.
He is so near and so good. Though
there is death and sadness, this was not His intended, created order. And He doesn’t just throw His hands up in the
air and say “Oh well…you sinned and this is what you get!” No, our God is so good that He gave His son,
which I realize more now how amazingly sacrificial that was, so that my little
baby who never got to be held or kissed by me, can live forever in the arms of
a loving God, never knowing sickness or sadness or sin. And in the midst of my grief, He is taking
what the enemy of my soul has intended to destroy me, and He’s turning it into
something He can use to work something deep into my heart.
I have a choice. I
can stay angry, closed up, and distract myself into numbness. Or, I can grieve, cry, and trade these ashes
for His beauty. It seems like the
obvious choice, but it’s not simple.
I want to be alone right now, and in my loneliness, I want
to feel sorry for myself. I want to turn
on the tv and get lost in whatever is on, no matter if I like it or not. I want stay daydreaming about my baby and
what we would have been like a year from now, a family of 7 instead of 6. I want to tantrum sometimes like a little kid
who didn’t get her way. But God is
drawing me to something better.
He allows us to grieve and ask why. In the garden of Gethsemane,
Jesus said “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death…My Father,
if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me.” But in the midst of that overwhelming sorrow
and grief, in His very next breath he uttered, “Yet not as I will, but as you
will.” God did not create death. But he chose to use it through His son to
work something deep into the hearts of men for ages to come, so that we might
be spared and spend eternity with Him.
What a good and loving Father. And
I personally am thankful that He overcame the grave! Now I don’t have to wonder where my little
one is. I know.
So though you might see me with tear stained cheeks, tired and
overcome with grief and sorrow, I can say God is good. He has been working deep things in my
heart. He sits enthroned in the heavens,
and my little one gets to see Him face to face.
There is no greater gift I could have given my child but Him. And for eternity that little one gets to rest
in His perfect arms of love because we allowed her life into our lives, even
for a short time.
“Blessed are those
whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage. As they pass through the Valley of Baca
[tears], they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with
pools. They go from strength to
strength, till each appears before God in Zion.”
Psalm 84: 5-7
This verse has been prayed over me many times during my
life, but never did I receive it with such clarity as I do now. My heart is forever set on a pilgrimage and
my very life’s goal is to draw closer to the heart of God, always sojourning
until the day I see Him face to face.
But in this journey, there will be tears. Jesus warned us that in this life, there are
many troubles. But we are blessed when
we make this journey through hardships and allow Him to turn our tears into a
place of springs…life! But here’s my new
favorite part: “the autumn rains also
cover it with pools [blessings].”
You see, I learned of my baby’s passing two days before my
birthday. My actual birthday and the
days surrounding this year were filled with so much pain, physically,
emotionally, and psychologically. Three years
ago, during the same week, my cousin suddenly passed away. When I was younger,
my grandfather also left this earth around the time of my birthday. A few other hard things have happened during
the very same week. So, my initial
reaction to the timing of all this was “What in the world are you trying to say
to me about the week I was brought
into the world!?!”
And in the Lord’s kindness, He revealed a little more about
this passage. It’s these autumn (some
versions say early, but mine actually says autumn) rains that bring blessings. And with each terrible hardship, each year, I’ve
walked away with immeasurable blessings.
Not in an outward sense, no not at all.
In fact, it seems each autumn (or close to it) brings loss. But it’s in this loss that God chooses to
draw me closer than ever before and give me a glimpse of His eternal
glory. I’d rather have that than a
birthday cake any day.
This year, my blessing has been a renewed commitment to
maintain possession of nothing on this earth.
I own nothing, and I am nothing apart from Him. He alone sits enthroned in my heart. But I found how easily it is that I allow
things that He has blessed me with, good things, to take His place. How quickly my family became so important to
me that it threatened to take that place of most importance. And like Abraham who was asked to offer up
His only son, my Father has challenged me with whether I’d be willing to give
up these good and perfect little blessings if He asked me to. Unlike Abraham who had unwavering faith, I
was quite a bit more hesitant. But His
kindness led me to a place where I realize that if I truly want to possess all
of Him, to know Him in His fullness, than I must possess nothing else. And though Abraham was rich and owned many
things, he possessed nothing. That is
the cry of my heart as I continue to walk through the Valley of Baca. That I might come out receiving His blessings
that these autumn rains are bringing, but still possessing nothing.
But whatever
former things I had that might have been gains to me, I have come to consider
as [one combined] loss for Christ’s sake.
Yes, furthermore, I count everything as loss compared to the
possession of the priceless privilege (the overwhelming preciousness, the
surpassing worth, and supreme advantage) of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord and
of progressively becoming more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him
[of perceiving and recognizing and understanding Him more fully and clearly].
For His sake I have lost everything and consider it all to be mere rubbish
(refuse, dregs), in order that I may win (gain) Christ (the Anointed One),
And that I may [actually] be found and known as in
Him, not having any [self-achieved] righteousness that can be called my own,
based on my obedience to the Law’s demands (ritualistic uprightness and
supposed right standing with God thus acquired), but possessing that [genuine
righteousness] which comes through faith in Christ (the Anointed One), the [truly]
right standing with God, which comes from God by [saving] faith.
[For my determined purpose is] that I may know Him [that I
may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him,
perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more
strongly and more clearly], and that I may in that same way come to know the
power outflowing from His resurrection [which it exerts over believers], and
that I may so share His sufferings as to be continually transformed [in spirit
into His likeness even] to His death, [in the hope]
That if possible I may attain to the [spiritual and moral]
resurrection [that lifts me] out from among the dead [even while in the body].
Philippians
3: 7-11, Amplified
Thank you for praying for us.
Though this post is long, there is so much
more to say!
So many victories and
kindnesses and lessons.
All of us have
been walking through this with a heart to see God’s purpose in our pain.
We ask for continued prayer.
I personally ask that you pray against fear
that is so quick to enter my mind.
And
also for energy to accomplish the day to day tasks of this family that I am so
blessed to be a part of for as long as He lets me.
For my husband to be blessed, because I do
not exaggerate when I say that he has been the most excellent husband and
father I could have imagined, while all the while his heart has broken as
well.
Finally for my kids…it was my
oldest’s first reaction to pray for a miracle when he heard the news.
I love that I got a glimpse of his
faith.
I ask for prayers for them, that
their faith is increased beyond measure and that in their sadness, they find
comfort.
If you’ve read to this point, I thank you for letting me
pour out my heart to you. I pray that He
blesses you and that you walk with a deeper understanding of how near He is to
us always.
Many tears are still being cried, and each and every day is
difficult, but He is good. He is good.