Wednesday, October 9, 2013

My Deep Sorrow

I feel like I’m having an out of body experience, and yet I feel every bit of pain, both real and emotional, that hits me like unrelenting waves.  I think this is just a really, long, bad dream, but there’s no waking up.  There’s no going to sleep either.  Where I once felt life, I feel hollow.  Where there was joy, there is so much sorrow.  So much. 

And yet…

 Though I said “I will never be shaken,” I am.  Not in who or what I believe in.  But in who and what I am.  And what is just? And what is fair?  And why does it all matter?  Because in light of the thousands of tears I cried, and the countless prayers I’ve prayed, He’s still the same, yesterday, today, and forever.  He is still good.

My heart has never been as broken as it is right now.  I cannot comprehend how to move on in this moment.  But He is good.  And He will gently lead me.  I’m so sad, and I’m angry, and I’m confused.  But He is good.  And He still holds my heart. 

Selfishly, I want to hold and kiss something that I cannot.  I feel robbed.  I feel violated.  I feel empty. 

And yet…

He is near.  So near.  My soul is downcast, but I will praise Him yet.  Because without Him, without His love, I could not have possibly loved another precious, tiny one whom I have never met this much.  My love for this life lost is supernatural and inexplicable.  It comes from something much greater, much wiser, more powerful than I.   It’s in those tender arms of perfect love that I imagine my little one right now, separated from me, but forever in His presence. 

Oh, my soul is weary.  I am nothing apart from Him.  I am sad, and angry, and confused.  But I will trust in that unfailing love that I had the privilege to experience and that I will never forget.



  1. Amy, thank you for sharing your heart so beautifully. You and your family are in my prayers.

    Elaine Skulina

  2. Dear Amy, I am hurting so much for you. I wish I could hug you and make you feel better, but I know that is something only Jesus can do. I know your emptiness, I know how draining and empty you feel. The pain and emptiness is something that will fade with time, though you will always remember. I love you SO much. Please let me know if I can do anything or help out in anyway. If you ever need to talk do not hesitate.

  3. Amy, my heart breaks alongside yours. I will hold you in my prayers,
    Jen Craun

  4. Amy (and Dan), I am SO sorry that you are experiencing such deep sadness, hurt, and loss right now. I want to jump through the laptop and give you a really big hug! Keep clinging to the promises of God, as you are. This is a beautiful expression that you have posted. I know you are probably getting this a lot right now, but truly, if there is anything I can do, please don't hesitate to call or text me. (On a side note, if you have any physical/medical related questions, I am here for that too, and I would be happy to answer any and all questions you have if you have any.) Oh, sweet, lovely Amy, I am sad with you. I won't pretend to know what the right thing to say is, because I don't know if that exists. But I am hurting with you, and praying for you all. I love you guys.