I feel like I’m having an out of body experience, and yet I feel every bit of pain, both real and emotional, that hits me like unrelenting waves. I think this is just a really, long, bad dream, but there’s no waking up. There’s no going to sleep either. Where I once felt life, I feel hollow. Where there was joy, there is so much sorrow. So much.
Though I said “I will never be shaken,” I am. Not in who or what I believe in. But in who and what I am. And what is just? And what is fair? And why does it all matter? Because in light of the thousands of tears I cried, and the countless prayers I’ve prayed, He’s still the same, yesterday, today, and forever. He is still good.
My heart has never been as broken as it is right now. I cannot comprehend how to move on in this moment. But He is good. And He will gently lead me. I’m so sad, and I’m angry, and I’m confused. But He is good. And He still holds my heart.
Selfishly, I want to hold and kiss something that I cannot. I feel robbed. I feel violated. I feel empty.
He is near. So near. My soul is downcast, but I will praise Him yet. Because without Him, without His love, I could not have possibly loved another precious, tiny one whom I have never met this much. My love for this life lost is supernatural and inexplicable. It comes from something much greater, much wiser, more powerful than I. It’s in those tender arms of perfect love that I imagine my little one right now, separated from me, but forever in His presence.
Oh, my soul is weary. I am nothing apart from Him. I am sad, and angry, and confused. But I will trust in that unfailing love that I had the privilege to experience and that I will never forget.